Autumnal Resurrection

 

The summer of my youth; that beauty and vibrancy; has gone, but that’s ok… I’ve always enjoyed the calm of autumn… and it leaves in its wake a much more complex, varied and colourful character…  I am left contemplative, strong in the knowledge that whatever befalls me is essential to my growth, adding substance and fortifying the roots which have always been, and always will be… the untouchable core of my being.

… Trees always make such good metaphors for the human condition… and certainly I am not the first to notice the possible analogy of autumn and this later stage of life… but really my attempt at a poetical introduction is just a somewhat convoluted way of announcing my midlife crisis.

It’s not that I have a hankering to resurrect my younger self (apart from its energy and lack of pain of course), but I guess, in our forties, it is not unusual to find ourselves looking back over the story of our lives.  Personally, I often feel quite disassociated from it.  I feel, at my age, that I am who I should always have been.   I was not fully formed until now, and I still have much to learn.  But I have also realised that, although my brain has certainly evolved and been filled with knowledge and experience, making me almost embarrassed at my former naivety… my soul, if you will, is actually unaltered… I have, deep down, always been ‘me’.

This seemed particularly apparent when listening back to some keyboard compositions I made and recorded to cassette back in my late teens.  I still hear ‘me’ in them… sad and lonely… lost and afraid… but, yes, it’s definitely ‘me’.

I have always enjoyed making music… although I’d never claim to be a ‘musician’.  I’ve tinkered with the keyboard, and do I sing a bit, but percussion is really my ‘thing’… and for many years I played drums in a gothic/ punk band called ‘The Immortals’.

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The keyboard is long gone, but I’m pretty sure it was a Yamaha, and, if I remember correctly, was able to record 6 separate tracks which could all be layered together…something that seemed close to magical!  Before that I used a keyboard which worked through my ZX Spectrum 128k computer, and was, as such, very limited.  But I was enchanted when I found that I was able to record myself playing something on it, and then record real drums over the top later… which were played in my mother’s dining room!  This was before modern PCs etc, so it was all done using cassette players and their built in microphones.

Now, using modern technology and a still, somewhat, limited knowledge of it… I decided to clean up those old pieces of music, as best I could, and put them together into a short ‘album’.  It’s about twenty five years too late, but here it is… the younger ‘me’s’ keyboard album which I have titled… ‘The Drama of Emptiness’:

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